Peanuts, I Guess That's What They're Calling It These Days

In an elevator, three men step on. Doors close, one man is eating peanuts, they begin to speak.

Man 1- "Are you going to give me any?"
(Man 1 leans in and noticeably smells the area around Man 2)
Man 2- "No."
Man 3- "Are you going to tell me why you just smelled his armpit?"
Man 2- "I wasn't smelling his pit, I was smelling his nuts!"

(There's an unfortunate situation in the English language where words have more than one meaning.)

It's Impossible to Think Before You Speak, When You Lack the Ability to Think

Upon seeing another person having some computer issues, the following was uttered:

"You can't let your computer know it controls you. You gotta smack the bitch every once in a while. Keep it in line with a good slap!
(Several smacking hand motions later)
But you can't do that to a woman."

(The one thing you don't learn in IT: let the computer know who the boss is.)

Same person as before, in a much more inebriated form.

"If you keep filming me I will castrate you! I will cut your fucking dick off! I will castrate the shit out of you!"

(Chemical castration sounds horrible in this context.)

Out of Context, but Always in Season

Whilst walking out of a building, two gentlemen talking to each other about a previous class.

"So, like, I was in the room, and then this bird flew in from the window. Like, literally, there was a bird. It was like flying around. Like, literally, a bird!"

(As opposed to figuratively being a bird.)

Around the MLB Playoffs, A guy and a girl conversing outside near a bench.

Girl - "How many games are left?"
Boy - "Well, they've won two, it's best of five, so they only need one more."
Girl - "Oh, and then it's the next series?"
Boy - "Yeah, and that they need four."
Girl - "Right, so it's best of six."

(Kind of surprising he didn't get down on one knee and propose right there and then.)

While waiting for a subway train, a man approached me with this intriguing proposition after asking for the time. The proposition, which I, unfortunately declined went as follows:

"It's only 11:30?! Thank God! I like you. Would you like some drink? Maybe some chicken, it's Chinese. I like you, would you like to invest in houses. I foreclose on houses all the time. I just got out of 'county' and I'm going to get a lady. (Showing wallet pictures.) This is my girl, this is my baby, this is my baby's momma. But that ain't who I'm going to see tonight, you know what I mean? This is my social security card, this is my driver's license. I make 50,000 dollars a week. Cause I foreclose on houses. This house right behind mine, it's worth a lot, you can foreclose with me! I make like 50- wait, 500! Like 500,000 dollars a month. And you can have that. Have some drink! Wait. You like Chinese food? Cause I foreclose houses everywhere. I foreclose houses in China. I make like 50 million dollars a year. So, can I count you in for a couple yucks right now?"

(It was really hard to say no, and the drink he offered was a "Big Gulp" full of something. Also, his name was Lance Eugene. I have not been able to find him since the incident.)

A general argument gone wrong. For those who know him, know there is more where this came from:

"Alright, touché."
"Yeah, well, touché to yourself!"

(Spoken like a true imbecile.)

While waiting for a train, a friend observing others turned to me and offered this piece:

"Did you see the girls? The one looked kind of cute, then I saw she only had one arm."

(Slightly offensive, but not a false statement.)

And lastly for now, upon entering a restroom and stepping up to a urinal, a man approached, made eye contact while I was in use of the urinal, and proceeded to declare:

"Ah, this is where the champions meet."

(A bit awkward, but well-stated.)